He who loves 50 people has 50 woes; he who loves no one has no woes. ~ Buddha

I am SO down tonight. My extremities are cold, I am full into my yearly seasonal bronchitis, I fell asleep for 2 hours and am now wide awake at 1:00 AM. Colleen was scheduled to be at work until 8, so I was looking forward to seeing her, but she's been out for coffee with friends all night.
I just paid the mortgage (too many weeks late), and now have no spare cash with over a week to go until payday. As always, it's a mixed blessing that I'll be delivering pizzas this weekend, since it'll put grocery money in my pocket, but on the other hand it means I get to spend a holiday weekend partially away from colleen and the kids. I wish every last one of them knew how much it fills me up inside just to be with them every day.

I have a horrible personality and I'm certain everyone around me has NO idea how much happiness they bring me. My true feeling are constantly filtered and mangled on their way out of my brain, due to all the SHIT fucking up my focus. I have absolutely had it with day-to-day bullshit and stupid fucking details that end up amounting to NOTHING important in the end, yet take up 100% of my brain power. I need to somehow rewrite my entire life to fit this one, basic, absolute truth: the only things in the WORLD that matter are Colleen, Anthony, Harrison, and Toby. The litmus test that should determine every last decision and priority from now until the end of time is whether or not things are best for them. That's it. I don't give a fuck about anyone of anything else, least of all me. My reasons for trying to keep myself happy, sane, or alive at all, are those four souls. It is terribly inadequate to say "they are the most important people in my life. More like: "Fuck the rest of the world and everything in it. Those four souls ARE my life."

But as ALWAYS, I'm torn between responsibilities. Let's see, how long can I make this list: family (keeping everyone happy safe clean and overall model citizens, including the dog), paying bills (house-mortgage, house-equity loan, car, electric, gas-heat, gas-car, phone, cable, 'net, maxed out credit, food), teaching (lesson plans, grading, and just goddam showing up with enough rest to be functional), marriage (schizophrenically flailing between cold comfort and hot panic mode), housekeeping (cleaning, laundry, dishes, garbage). Oh yes, and now the car (a horrible grinding noise from somewhere near the rear left wheel - how much will this cost? Who the fuck knows...) And guess what, shortcake? Christmas is here! Wheeeeee!

I once read that Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon was intended to be thematically about the things that drive people insane. Time, Money, Conflict ("Us and Them"), etc. Mr, Waters, I get it now. some of us don't need drugs to listen to DSOM. Life is surreal enough, thank you.

Anthony today informed today that he hates his school, and nobody in his class wants to be friends with him. My GOD, I understand. Second grade was one huge trauma for me, too. It kills me that he just might be having a childhood like mine, because mine sucked monkey balls (at least in terms of socializing with other 7-year-olds). I really think my life-long hangups that are fucking up this 34-year-old began with the stupid shithead dumbfuck asshole jagoffs I went to school with in 1979. and 1980. and 1981...well, you see what I'm saying. I didn't know how to deal with it then, and truthfully, I really don't know what to say to the kid now. Roughly 99% of the people you will ever meet are horrible. Too bad you need to encounter it so soon.

Shit, I'm getting depressed. I seriously need just one blowout night of partying. I have no idea if that would help, but at least it would all go away for a little while. You know, forget the blowout. I think i just need to find my headphones now and tune in to Pet Sounds or Van Morrison or something. I know some of the things I just typed are actually untrue, but it'll be some time until I sort out exactly which ones...

I just need to admit that I want sugar in my tea Hear me? Hear me? I want sugar in my tea!

It's been so long since I've had a blogging movement that I see no point in synopsizing the past months. Let's just start with the present.

Financially things are in chaos. I owe so many bills and debts right now it makes my head spin. The only thing I know for sure is that the mortgage will be back on track within a few weeks. The van payments? who knows. I keep checking out the window to make sure it hasn't been repo'd. Of course, keeping the house is pointless if the electric, gas, phone, cable, internet, groceries, etc aren't paid.

So I'm delivering pizzas part-time. Colleen is starting part-time hours at the same pizza hut. I hope sometime soon things will converge allowing us to actually work the same hours one day. It will, I'm sure, bring back weird deja vu memories of the old MotoPhoto job, where we met in 1997. Will any of these minimum wage adventures save our monetary woes? Hopefully so. All I know is it's a shame that in the 21st century a teacher's salary is so damn inadequate.

I spent a few months on depression medication. I think it helped my mood a little. But it costs 30$ a month, and I haven't refilled it since it ran out a few weeks ago. I guess this is now an experimental time. I don't know if I feel any worse. Although today I twice broke into tears: once after thinking of my mood on 9/11, and later after hearing the 1st verse of Everclear's "Wonderful". Regarding 9/11, maybe I'll explain some other time what happened to me that day that gets me weepy. Regarding the Everclear song, google the lyrics and read the first verse, and it'll be obvious why, as a father of 3 boys, that song rarely fails to get to me.

Lately I've been downloading talk radio podcasts for my 2 hour commute. I am addicted to the Penn Jillette show (as in "the talking guy from penn+teller"). Check it out sometime. Warning: dude's a VERY outspoken atheist.

BTW, HOLEE SH--! The democrats took back congress!!! WoOhOo! I think there's hope for the U.S. after all...

That's all for now. Expect more rambling messes some other time.

n.p.: "The Good Life", Weezer (hence the title of this post)

Adapt or die.

There are infinitesimally tiny points at which new universes are constantly being created and others destroyed. I find the better ones come about at times when the background music is a guiding force. Currently, Pink Floyd's "Animals" album is initiating some heavy changes. And no, despite your misguided stereotypes about the Floyd, marijuana is not (nor should it be) a factor in my current universe factory. THOSE universes, while typically interesting enough, tend to be governed by imprecise mathematical laws. I mean, pi doesn't HAVE to necessarily always be 3.1415, but whatever it may be, it shouldn't keep changing from moment to moment. It really ought to stay more or less constant. Strike that, it ought to stay EXACTLY constant. A halfway decent universe should at the very least obey its own rules. I mean, c'mon folks!